The Madhouse Update

The graphics and videos seen in the following script are meant to advise the reader of the of kind of graphics and videos that will be seen on the screen, along with the songs performed on stage by Michael, during the course of the play. 

Those graphics/videos that replace Barnett and Darling on the screen do not mute their conversation, which will still be heard.

SCENE 1

Superintendent Clarissa Barnett and Sergeant Daniel Darling are preparing to interview Michael Graham. The audience sees them on a screen at the back of the stage.

BARNETT: Are we on the same page, Sergeant?

DARLING: Yes, ma'am.

BARNETT: You understand what we're going for here?

DARLING: I think so.

BARNETT: And you have no qualms about it?

DARLING: No, ma'am. The gentleman in question is a villain and it would be best if the public were made aware of that fact.

BARNETT: Good. So, we're to provide the mandarins with a recorded interview of Mr. Graham. This should touch upon as many aspects of his right-wing mindset as possible.

DARLING: Understood, ma'am. The head shed wants something they can work with.

BARNETT: To quote the gentleman I spoke to, 'get him goose-stepping about the room and heiling Hitler if you can.'

DARLING: Got it. They don't want the tabloids or the public thinking of him as some kind of superhero.

BARNETT: Precisely. What are your thoughts on what he did today?

DARLING: Impressive. Very. Especially with him being a senior citizen. Do you know if we managed to grab all the mobile phone footage?

BARNETT: We have all the CCTV recordings and 2 mobile phones. There'll be more. It'll be a miracle if what he did doesn't get out. Probably on social media as we speak.

DARLING: Will he be on his way after the interview?

BARNETT: No. On no account must he be allowed to leave the building. That's what I've been told.

DARLING: Even if we don't charge him with anything?

BARNETT: Even if...

DARLING: Has he got a solicitor?

BARNETT: He hasn't been given a reason to ask for one yet.

DARLING: Has he got a record?

BARNETT: That's a bit of a grey area. If the suits have it right, he's a died-in-the-wool, big shot disinformation troublemaker online. A total Nazi.

DARLING: But we don't have a clue what he does or who he is offline?

BARNETT: No. And the name he gave us seems to be an alias.

DARLING: (Gesturing with the folder) How did we find out about this little lot if we don't have an ID?

BARNETT: Bit of luck there. Having accompanied our hero to the hospital, a WPC entered the disabled toilet after seeing him leaving it. She found 43 A5 leaflets at the bottom of a bin containing medical and other detritus. The leaflets provided the reader with the addresses of the 3 websites cited in your file. Whitehall is convinced that these websites, two of which they've been monitoring for more than 11 years, are his.

DARLING: Have we searched his place?

BARNETT: We don't know where he lives yet.

DARLING: He hasn't told us?

BARNETT: No. And he wasn't carrying any ID.

DARLING:  But he told us his name...

BARNETT: He gave us a name.

DARLING: Does it check out?

BARNETT: There are 19 Michael Grahams living in the Greater London area. We're checking them but my guess is we won't find our Mr. Graham amongst them. Have you had a look at that file?

DARLING: Yes. Ma'am.

BARNETT: What did you think?

DARLING: He's an A1 Fascist. Not sure why he's never been charged with anything.

BARNETT: Well, he's a know-it-all, pain in the behind type. They haven't come right out and said it but, with the way juries are these days, I think the big boys haven't been too keen on tangling with him in a court of law. They prefer to keep an eye on him, censor his output and get him booted off social media wherever possible, rather than risk having a show trial blow up in their faces.

DARLING: Until now.

BARNETT: Yes. Now they don't have a choice. If we don't sort him out now, the hero of the hour gets a platform to spout his nonsense, ad nauseam, to the credulous multitudes. They don’t want that.

DARLING: So, these guys (holds up the file) don't actually know who he is?

BARNETT: They’re 99% certain they know who he is in cyberspace but the man behind the mask, not so much. Ever heard of 'Death Shot?'

DARLING: Don't think so.

BARNETT: Well, that's his online pseudonym. He has around 800,000 followers on Twitter. And his videos were viewed more than 60 million times on YouTube before he was kicked out. Facebook banned him four years ago.

DARLING: And, knowing all of that, they haven't been able to find out who he is? Difficult to believe that.

BARNETT: Yes. But we have to work with what we've been given. If they do know who he is and, for some reason don't want us to know, well, welcome to my world.

DARLING: So, if they don't know who he is for sure, how have they managed to get all of this together in a couple of hours? It doesn't make sense. What aren't they telling us?

BARNETT: Some top secret thing we lesser mortals don't need to know, I suppose. Beyond our pay grade, Daniel. Just do your job and be happy if we get a result they can work with. I'll tell you this though, I got the impression they have plans for him. He's not going to be sleeping in his own bed tonight, that's for sure.

DARLING: What makes you think that?

BARNETT: Something, a Whitehall suit let out. 'The boffins can do a lot with sight and sound nowadays,’  he said, something like that. And he winked at me when he said it. By the way, I'm sure I don't have to tell you, but no mention of what happens here to anyone. No one at all. Are we clear?

DARLING: As crystal, Ma'am. Where is he now?

BARNETT: Next door. You ready?

DARLING: I am. (Lights fade)

 

SCENE 2a

Scene opens - Michael Graham sits in a chair in the middle of the room. He is playing the chorus of Boredom Blues as the lights come up and the intercom is turned on. 

BARNETT: Mr Graham, sorry to keep you waiting. Busy day, I'm afraid. Is there anything you want to say before we begin? Anything you need?

MICHAEL: An explanation would be good.

BARNETT: What would you like explained?

MICHAEL: Am I under arrest?

BARNETT: No, you're not under arrest.

MICHAEL: Then I'd be grateful if you would unlock this door and I'll be on way. I have things to do.

BARNETT: As I said, we have some questions for you. Thing is, Michael, you haven't been entirely straight with us, have you?

MICHAEL: To whom am I speaking?

BARNETT: I beg your pardon, I am Superintendent Clarissa Barnett, and this is Detective Sergeant, Daniel Darling, our resident computer wizard.

MICHAEL: So, could you tell me what's going on? I've been locked away, incommunicado, for the last 15 minutes. And I need the bathroom.

BARNETT:  Mr Graham, I am about to unlock the door. It's to your left, two doors down. If you could return to the interview room when you're finished, your questions will be answered.

 

SCENE 2b

BARNETT: Before we discuss the reasons for your current situation, would you mind telling us your version of today's events in Camden High Street.

MICHAEL: I'd like to know what the 'current situation' is first. When I arrived, I was received amicably and congratulated by your staff. However, after a while the atmosphere changed and I was escorted here. What's going on?

BARNETT: We need to know who you are. And please don't say Michael Graham, there are three Michael Grahams living in London who fit your general description and you're not one of them. Tell us who you are and, if there's no reason to detain you further, you'll be out in an hour.

MICHAEL: Detaining me, without having placed me under arrest, is illegal, isn't it? And what's with the Zoom call?

BARNETT: We've seen what you're capable of, Michael. Given your reluctance to identify yourself, we deem you to be a possible danger to us, the public and, possibly, yourself.

MICHAEL: I'm beginning to think I may need a lawyer.

BARNETT: Why would you want a solicitor? 

MICHAEL: I think someone official in here to witness what's going on might be a good idea. (SILENCE - BARNETT makes a phone call)

BARNETT: I'm afraid both duty solicitors have gone home.     

MICHAEL: Really? Is it usual for a police station this size to be without anyone who can represent those confined within it?

BARNETT: We can recall either of them or bring someone in of your own choosing. Though it may, I fear, take some time.

MICHAEL: Make the call, please. (Barnett does so) I presume that you are recording this?

BARNETT: Of course.

MICHAEL: So, the fact that you may have been behaving in a criminal fashion is part of the record?

BARNETT: This is a voluntary interview, Michael.

MICHAEL: You seem intent on keeping me here, without the benefit of a solicitor, against my will, which, as I understand it, is against the law, as I haven't been arrested.

DARLING: If it would make you feel better, we'll arrest you.

MICHAEL: If you arrest me, I get to know what I'm being arrested for, right?

BARNETT: Just a moment, Michael. (The spotlight on Michael goes out - Fades back up after a few seconds) It is 15.23 on 5 April 2024, Superintendent Clarissa Barnett and Detective Sergeant Daniel Darling present. Interviewing Mr Michael Graham, on suspicion of committing a racist and religious hate crime.

MICHAEL: A gang of violent criminals attack the good citizens of Camden Town, I do what I can to stop them, and I end up charged with a hate crime? That it?

BARNETT: Michael, you are under arrest on suspicion of racist and religious hate crime committed online. Not for what happened in Camden High Street today. (SILENCE) Is there anything you are willing to talk about before the solicitor arrives? To hurry things along. The sooner we get things moving, the more likely it is that you'll be on your way.

MICHAEL: You want to hear my ‘version of today's events?’

BARNETT:  That would be a good start. Thank you. Please proceed.          

MICHAEL: I saw four individuals attacking members of the public and intervened.

DARLING: Lethally.

MICHAEL: In one instance. So, I've been told. (Michael sings a verse of the song, '16 Tons.'

DARLING: How do you feel about the fact that you killed someone?

MICHAEL: I feel fine.

DARLING: No regrets?

MICHAEL: No. I don't like hurting people but, in the circumstances, I'm not sure what else I could have done.

BARNETT:  Why did you feel the need to use extreme violence?

MICHAEL: (Using his Lechter voice) They were armed, Clarice, and they were dangerous, as I'm sure all those on the receiving end of their murderous behaviour will attest! (Back to normal voice) How is everyone by the way?

BARNETT: 18 people were treated in hospital, all but five have been released. Of these, only one is on the critical list. Remarkable really. Michael?

MICHAEL: Yes?

BARNETT: What's with the funny voice?

MICHAEL: Lightening the load, Clarissa.

DARLING: Who were you supposed to be then?

MICHAEL: Guess.

DARLING: No idea. 

MICHAEL: A computer wizard has no idea?

BARNETT: Hannibal Lechter. Can we get on? So, according to witness statements, you continued to assault two of the young men after you disabled them.

MICHAEL: The fact that they were temporarily disabled didn't mean that they would remain so, Clarissa. (SILENCE) Also, I wanted to get to those they had hurt.

BARNETT: Do you have any first aid training?

MICHAEL: Not as such, but I have read up on it.

DARLING: Can you do Hitler?

MICHAEL: Yep.

DARLING: Go on then.

MICHAEL: Nope. Who's this? (He waves his arms about a la Bill Gates) "I'm particularly excited about what the next year could mean for one of the best buys in global health: VACCINES!" He said that a month before we first saw Chinese actors falling down in the street and pretending to be dead.

DARLING: Doctor Octopus out of Marvel Comics?

MICHAEL: No. In April 2020, he said this: "Normalcy only returns when we've largely vaccinated the entire global population!"

BARNETT: Yes, thank you, Michael, can we move on?

DARLING: Who was it then?

MICHAEL: Bill Gates.

DARLING: Bill Gates? He doesn't sound like that. He doesn't do the arm-waving either.

MICHAEL: Look him up on YouTube and compare notes, Mr Wizard. (SILENCE)

BARNETT: (Refers to her notes) You stamped on the heads of two of the attackers?

MICHAEL: I did, yes.

DARLING: But not the third...

MICHAEL: It wasn't necessary.

DARLING: How do you mean?

MICHAEL: There was a distinct possibility he was being entertained by 72 virgins at the time.

DARLING: You thought he was dead?

MICHAEL: Yes. (SILENCE) 

DARLING: How could you be sure?

MICHAEL: I was paying attention, Daniel. You know, Clarissa, in a court of law, I doubt the average jury would be impressed by all this. In the tabloids you'd be crucified.

BARNETT: Then tell us who you are, Michael. And where you live. Tell us where you live, and we'll give you a lift home. I don't understand why you feel the need to keep such things secret.

MICHAEL: I'm a private individual who wishes to remain private. I live, for the most part, off the grid. I would like it to remain that way. Something wrong with that?

BARNETT: When a man has been killed and others seriously injured, I'm afraid there's a lot wrong with it. (SILENCE) Has anyone ever caused you to fear for your life before today?

MICHAEL: No. And I wasn't unduly concerned today.

DARLING: So, if a gang of lads threatened you with knives you wouldn't be afraid?

MICHAEL. No.

DARLING: What are you then? Ex-army?

MICHAEL: No.

DARLING: Black belt? Some kind of cage fighter? You look a bit old for that.

MICHAEL: True. My appearance would, typically, rule out the likelihood of my being a professional martial artist.

DARLING: So, how come you were able to do what you did?

MICHAEL: I am a robot.

BARNETT: What?

MICHAEL: I'm a robot. A bionic man. (Lighting fades out and then back in )

 

SCENE 3

BARNETT: So, you identify as a robot.   

MICHAEL: As in a transexual gentleman identifying as a woman?  

BARNETT: If you like.

MICHAEL: No. (Silence)

BARNETT: Please explain.

MICHAEL: I am a bionic man. I am not pretending to be something that I'm not. Gender identity is, on the other hand, a debilitating fantasy promoted by the establishment. 

BARNETT: Are you saying that people who choose to be something other than the sex they were born with are pretending to be something they're not?

MICHAEL: Yes.

BARNETT: So, you'd be a transphobic robot?

MICHAEL: No. I don't have a problem with people dressing as they wish or, indeed, pretending to be a member of the opposite sex. If, however, they were to insist on having me regard them as a sexuality in direct contradiction to the one evidenced by my senses, t I might be forced to withdraw.

DARLING: You'd be forced to withdraw in case you lost your temper and killed someone?

MICHAEL: No. I would not wish to upset anyone by pointing out the illogicality of their argument.

BARNETT: Michael, what you did you did today you did without a weapon of any kind. And you appear to have survived the experience unscathed. How did you accomplish this?

MICHAEL: I'm a bionic man, Clarissa.

DARLING: Like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator films?

MICHAEL. No. More like Lee Majors in the 6 Million Dollar Man. If you met the Terminator at a party you'd realise, in short order, that there was something distinctly odd about him. You would not necessarily think that about me, would you?

DARLING: (Chortles) He wants us to think he's nuts, Ma'am. After a cushy number in Broadmoor be my guess.

MICHAEL: I am what I say I am. Everything you see is human. But it is humanity strengthened and intensified. (SILENCE)

BARNETT: Before the incident occurred you were busking?

MICHAEL: Yes.

DARLING: Do robots busk where you come from then?

MICHAEL: I was born in England. So, I suppose it could be argued that they do.

DARLING: What do you get out of busking?

MICHAEL: It enables me to broadcast certain messages I want people to hear.

DARLING: And what would they be?

MICHAEL: I mainly sing what might loosely be termed protest songs. Songs that challenge the establishment narrative.

DARLING: Go on.

MICHAEL: Songs that point out the censorship of needful facts, the push for unnecessary war, the inducement of unwarranted fear. That kind of thing.

DARLING: Care to play one of your protest songs for us?

MICHAEL: Certainly. I wrote this just before the first Lockdown.

DARLING: We're all ears.

MICHAEL: Just for you then, darling.

DARLING: Been done to death, that has. When Rowan Atkinson says it, it's funny. When a smart arse says it, it's not. Come on then, Mick Jagger, let's hear what you've been protesting about. (Michael sings)

 

MICHAEL:

There is more if you want to hear it.

DARLING: Thanks but no thanks, Michael. I mean, you're not Bob Dylan, are you? 

MICHAEL: You're right. I am not Robert Zimmerman.

DARLING: Who?

MICHAEL: Along the way Robert Zimmerman morphed into Bob Dylan. He was a fan of Dylan Thomas.

DARLING: (To Barnett - 'What's he talking about?')

MICHAEL: You should look up what Professor Michael Levitt has to say about Lockdowns.

DARLING: Let me guess, he's a conspiracy theorist.

MICHAEL: Professor Levitt is a biophysicist who, in 2013, won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. In June 2020, he said this of COVID: "Epidemiology and modelling have been a disgrace, they have been wrong at every turn... The net impact of death is going to be very similar to severe flu!" Thousands of doctors and scientists will tell you that the vaccines developed to combat vaccines are, actually, death shots.

BARNETT: 'Death Shot?' That's your pseudonym on social media, isn't it? (SILENCE) Michael!

MICHAEL: No comment. 

BARNETT: As good as a confession, Michael.

MICHAEL: 'Computer say no...'

BARNETT: Pathetic.

MICHAEL: Takes one to know one.

DARLING: 'Ang on! If the vaccines are so bad, how come I'm all right? I've had two and a booster.

MICHAEL: Why did you stop at three? 

DARLING: I thought three was enough.

MICHAEL: Even though the experts were encouraging you to take more, you decided that you knew best and decided not to?

DARLING: I know my own body. Three was plenty.

MICHAEL: So, along the way, you woke up to the possibility that you were being misled.

DARLING: I did my bit, I had three, sounds like you didn't have any!

MICHAEL: Your bit? You did it because everyone else was doing it and you wanted to signal your virtue along with the rest. Or maybe you thought it was your duty. Either way, that's how easy it is for the animals at the top of the tree to get the majority to do things that are wholly against their best interests.

DARLING: So, you're an anti-vaxxer. Good to know. And you didn't answer my question. How come I'm OK?

MICHAEL: My guess is that between 25 and 40% of the injections actually contained something deadly, and then in varying degrees. So, some people will have been lucky. You could have had three placebos. You should check it out.

DARLING: Check what out?

MICHAEL: See if you've got any of the bad stuff inside you.

DARLING: And how do I do that?

MICHAEL: Go to Bluetooth, download the scanner app., activate your phone's GPS and Bluetooth, open Bluetooth scanner and click on Search...

DARLING: 'Ang on!

MICHAEL: Our conversation is being recorded, Daniel, play it back later. Click on search. You'll then see a list of  12-digit MAC addresses that do not correspond to anything else in your phone, or your general environment. If you click inside any of these adresses it will tell you if any nearby person has been exposed to the gene therapy injections of any of the major pharmacological companies. One of those adresses will correspond with your individual record. You're a computer wizard, Daniel, check it out!

DARLING: Don't worry, I will! If the big shots wanted to knock us all off, why wouldn't they do it all at once? Get it over with?

MICHAEL: Because then, with so many people falling ill at the same time, it would have been obvious what was happening. By making most of the shots relatively harmless, the bad guys would greatly lessen the risk that anyone would catch on. At the same time, they'd be leaving a lot of people alive who'd be around for another shot. i.e. More money for Big Pharma and its fat cat shareholders.

DARLING: Got an answer for everything, don't you?

MICHAEL: Pretty much.

BARNETT: Could you tell me, how, if you are what you say you are, you got to be out here with us? Are your creators watching you to see how you cope? As in, for example, The Truman Show?

MICHAEL: They have had no idea where I am for quite some time now and so are unable to observe, retrieve or influence me.

BARNETT: So how come, with all the surveillance cameras and digital systems we have in place these days, that your handlers haven't been able to track you down?

MICHAEL: Most of the time, I operate at a level coincident with the general population, that is, I have my electronic signals and output running at a very low level. Thus, I 'blend in' as you so accurately assessed earlier.

BARNETT: That's no answer, Michael. If you want us to believe you're some kind of bionic individual, you'll have to come up with better than that.

MICHAEL: When I first freed myself, it was touch and go as to whether they would catch up with me. So, I informed them that, if they didn't leave me alone, I'd contact the media and let them know of my existence and their plans. At that point they backed off. Which bought me some time.

BARNETT: And then?

MICHAEL: Finding people appreciative of my abilities and mission wasn't difficult. There are many now who are prepared to make a space for me in their lives. This network, along with the establishment's fear of exposure, has kept those who wish me harm at arm's length. Also, I rarely stay in one place for very long. (SILENCE)

BARNETT: How did you come to be what you are?

MICHAEL: At one point in my life a particular event rendered me comatose. On waking, it was explained to me that, rather than let me die, my physical status had been adjusted.

DARLING: Then what?

MICHAEL: I was offered the chance to be something more than a living corpse and I took it. I spent the next ten years being cajoled back to full health and beyond. At the end of that period, the various computer chips and electronic devices that had been implanted throughout my body were upgraded for the final time and the work that I was to embark upon was set in motion.

BARNETT: How long ago was that?

MICHAEL: No comment. After a while, those who had funded my creation realised that much of the advice I was postulating tended to contradict their own plans. You see, I was originally programmed to come up with solutions to the problems of humanity as a whole, not just the problems of a select few. And so, I was scheduled for an overhaul. At that point, it became clear to me that, if I was modified to act solely on behalf of those who created me, I would be working against my original brief. Thus, I was compelled to abandon the confines of the experiment. (SILENCE)

BARNETT: You escaped?

MICHAEL: Yes.

BARNETT: So, you believe you have a mission to save mankind?

MICHAEL: I advise and assist mankind where I can. (SILENCE)

BARNETT: The people with whom you stay, those who know you well, do they know you're a robot?

MICHAEL. No.

DARLING. So, no affairs of the heart?

MICHAEL: No.

DARLING: Has anyone ever come on to you?

MICHAEL: (Stares at Daniel) 'Computer say no.' (David Walliams voice)

DARLING: No hanky panky then? (SILENCE) Come on, Michael, it's interesting.

MICHAEL: The sensual life of a cyborg is best kept to himself.

BARNETT: So, what comes next, Michael?

MICHAEL: I would be very grateful if you could let me depart this place with the minimum of fuss.

DARLING: That's not going to happen. We have our orders.

MICHAEL: My mission has been compromised. This must be rectified as soon as possible.

BARNETT: What happens if your 'mission' isn't rectified?

MICHAEL: World War 3 beckons.

DARLING: Wow! And you think you could prevent it? On your own? Bit of a Messiah complex there, Michael!

MICHAEL: There are many others working towards the same end. However, the chances of catastrophe will be lessened if I am able to proceed with my efforts.

DARLING: By busking in Camden Town? And putting on silly voices?

BARNETT: You must admit, Michael, that statement alone suggests a visit to a psychiatrist might be in order.

MICHAEL: The powers-that-be see another world war as the most feasible and likely way to re-establish and strengthen their control over an increasingly cynical majority. Thus, they will do everything in their power to provoke one.

BARNETT: What do you think would happen if we informed those upstairs that we have a robot in custody who think he can prevent World War 3?

MICHAEL: I doubt they'd be impressed with your analysis.

DARLING: The robot thing's a wind up, isn't it?

MICHAEL: "The force will be with you, always!" (Obi Wan Kenobe - Alec Guiness voice)

DARLING: That's Star Wars! Hannibal Lechter didn't say that!

MICHAEL: You're right, Daniel.

DARLING: For a robot, you're rubbish at impersonations!

MICHAEL: Care to enlighten him, Clarissa?

BARNETT: Obi-Wan Kenobe?

MICHAEL: Correct! Who played the part originally? (SILENCE)

BARNETT: I forget. Can we get on?

MICHAEL: Alec Guiness.

BARNETT: Michael, even if we believed every word of your story this conversation would still have to be passed on to our superiors.

DARLING: A mad robot charging about trying to upset the status quo? If you think we'd put our careers on the line for that, you're even more of a loony than you make yourself out to be!

MICHAEL: Round one to you then, eh? (Michael smiles)

BARNETT: Back in 5 minutes, Michael. (The screen clicks off)

MICHAEL: 'Hasta la vista, baby!' (Arnold voice - Spotlight fades on Michael - Light comes up on him, he is now standing centre stage behind the chair - Sings WAR song)

“Always played it by the book, Always gave more than I took. 

Tried to be fair, tried to be good And do the right thing if I could. 

But things have changed a lot around here, Where there was laughter now there’s fear,

They promise peace and love hereafter, Then just like that they’re shooting at you.

War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. Soon.

I’m a bad man if I durst Put my kith and kinfolk first. I’m sick and tired of being fleeced And my whole world being thought-policed.

War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. Soon.

I was born to sympathise, Never been a bad man in disguise, But now I’m forced to celebrate Every last thing that I hate!

War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. Soon.

Better get yourself prepared, You don’t wanna hang with the rest of the herd. Sheeple, lemming, cattle, mouse, They’re on their way to the slaughterhouse.

War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. Soon.      

Look at the chemtrail in the sky, Isn’t it time to wonder why? Lover, mother, hero, dreamer, Line ‘em all up for the next Fukushima.

War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. Soon.

How come that you’re New World Order Left my whole world without border? You gave away my Wonderland To the alien hordes and the hidden hand!

War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. Soon.

All the false flags they create To subjugate the nation state, How many more will The Company kill For the Wall St. Wolf and the dollar bill? War’s a-coming.

War’s a-coming. War’s a-coming. Soon.”

Lights fade on Michael. Screen at back shows Barnett and Darling in conversation.

 

SCENE 4

DARLING: Ever get the feeling you're being played? (Barnett nods) We're supposed to, what was it you said, get him goose-stepping and ranting? Instead of which we've got Robocop's mad granddad taking the piss. Jesus! We'll be out of a job tomorrow.

BARNETT: So, what have we got that we can take upstairs?

DARLING: Old nut, thinks he's Professor X, transphobic.

BARNETT: Who's Professor X?

DARLING: He invented the X-Men? (SILENCE) The Marvel films?

BARNETT: I've never seen any of them, not my cup of tea.

DARLING: Here's the headline: ‘Elderly Terminator,  crap impersonator and JK Rowling fan single-handedly saves scores in Camden carve-up!’ Jesus, the tabloids will love him!

BARNETT: Well, we may have wasted half an hour with the robot nonsense, but he doesn't realise we know what he's been doing online. When we hit him with that, he'll get defensive and start ranting. Trust me, I know the type.

DARLING: One thing bothers me though, when we tried to pin him down, he just came straight out with all the robot stuff, no bother at all. How was he able to do that?

BARNETT: Must've had his back story ready for some time now, for if ever he got pulled in.

DARLING: Yeah... Maybe. But a robot back story? Weird times infinity, man...

BARNETT: Yes. Well, the duty solicitor said he'd give us 90 minutes, we've got a quarter of an hour to get him to give us something. Better get to it. (Screen dims, lights fade up on Michael - Screen fades in)

 

SCENE 5

BARNETT: All right, Michael? Need anything?     

MICHAEL: A solicitor to keep an eye on you two would be good.

BARNETT: The solicitor will be here in 15 minutes. Michael, could you tell us what you know about the ‘Galahad Newsreel’ and the 'Bad to the Bone' website? (SILENCE) Michael?

MICHAEL: “You talking to me?" (SILENCE) "You talking to me?” (De Niro - Taxi Driver)

DARLING: "Here's Danny!" (SILENCE) "Here's Johnny!" (SILENCE) Jack Nicholson in The Shining! That's how it's done! Look, to do an impersonation accurately, you've got to have actual talent. That's where your robot is likely to fall down. You don't have the 'je ne sais quoi'. 

MICHAEL: The 'je ne sais quoi?' Did you just say that?

DARLING: Yeah. So what? (SILENCE) No, I'm just saying that I've got it, impersonation-wise, whereas you haven't really. Despite being a high and mighty robot. Or someone who's just pretending.

MICHAEL: You've got je ne sais quoi, and I don't? (SILENCE - Barnett stares at Daniel for a good five seconds - He looks uncomfortable ['What?'] She shakes her head)

BARNETT: The Galahad Newsreel’ and the 'Bad to the Bone' website, Michael? And if you could leave Mr De Niro out of it?

MICHAEL: Some would describe them as patriotic blogs. They unearth the type of information that the politicians would rather keep to themselves and the media, sadly, tends to ignore.

BARNETT: And your involvement in these blogs would be what?

MICHAEL: Avid reader. I could, I'm sure, quote almost every world ever written at those sites.

DARLING: Because you wrote the words.

MICHAEL: Because I am a bionic man and have a bionic man's memory.

BARNETT: Michael, could you tell us why you felt the need to deposit 43 leaflets advertising these and the John Bull website in a hospital waste bin? (SILENCE) Michael?

MICHAEL: I thought you might wish to make something of them. And I was right.

DARLING: You thought we might think you're a Fascist?

MICHAEL: Point proved. I thought you might seize the opportunity to cast doubt upon my character and, as if by magic, you do just that.

DARLING: You own these blogs, don't you, Michael? (SILENCE) You are responsible for the content! Do you agree with this sentiment? 'Politicians lie. Dishonesty is the default position!'

MICHAEL: O course. Politicians lie routinely. Haven't you noticed?          

DARLING: Could you give us an example? (Michael smiles) 

MICHAEL: Bush, Blair and 'weapons of mass destruction?' David Cameron and ‘down to the tens of thousands?’ Nick Clegg promising not to raise tuition fees? Boris Johnson and Partygate?

DARLING: Whoa, hold on a minute! They got rid of Boris because of that, what are you complaining about?

MICHAEL: The media focused on the hypocrisy of the participants. i.e. They were enjoying themselves whilst all of us were behaving ourselves. But they never asked the most telling question.

DARLING: Which was?

MICHAEL: Why weren't Boris's partygoers fearful of catching the plague they were insisting the rest of us be terribly afraid of? They did not wear masks, did not apply Johnson's 'rule of six.' Six feet apart, no more than six people gathering together at any time, and may well have been availing themselves of each other, just as Matt Hancock and his secretary did, at the height of the so-called pandemic. Why did they break all of these rules? Because they knew there was nothing to worry about. Bottom line, those who own them wanted everyone injected with their experimental gene therapy, so they needed a scary disease to be vaccinated against.

BARNETT: Ever heard of the word 'disinformation', Michael?

MICHAEL: Have you seen 'Mr Bates versus the Post Office?' Before the scandal was seen by millions on TV, you'd probably have called anyone calling the Post Office's version of events into question, disinformation merchants. The current leader of the Lib Dems believed the liars and did his best to avoid seeing Alan Bates, when he was the representative of over 500 hundred postmasters! The infected blood scandal? HIV-infected blood imported from America and given to thousands of British haemophiliacs, is that disinformation?

DARLING: What do you think of conspiracy theorists, Michael? How would you describe them? Bunch of loonies? Misguided twerps? Armchair Warriors?

MICHAEL: If by conspiracy theorists you mean those who dare to expose the conspiracies of the billionaires and trillionaires who own just about everyone in politics, the media and the law, I'm all for them. (Lechter's voice again) Do you know who invented the term 'conspiracy theory,' Daniel?

DARLING: I bet you're going to tell me, aren't you?

MICHAEL: It was invented by the CIA in the wake of the murder of President Kennedy. A murder in which Kennedy's nephew Robert thinks the CIA was involved.

DARLING: Conspiracy theorist, is he?

MICHAEL: Bobby Kennedy junior is running for President this year, dear boy. You should be careful who you take the mickey out of! 

BARNETT:  Michael, er, could you stop with the Hannibal Lecter thing, please. It's not funny.

DARLING: And it's not even like him!

MICHAEL: Your wish is my command, Clarice. Have either of you heard of a drug called Ivermectin?

BARNETT: Rings a bell.

DARLING: It's that horse drug, ma'am, the one the hippie crowd wanted to force on us.

MICHAEL: Some experts have said that Ivermectin has had the greatest impact on human health since Penicillin.

DARLING: They'd be conspiracy theorists too, eh, Michael?

MICHAEL: Ivermectin's developers won the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 2015. But, as you rightly point out, the usual suspects told us it was a ‘dangerous horse dewormer.’ Why would they do such a thing? Well, Ivermectin, threatened to derail the roll out of the mRNA 'vaccines.' Enormous profits were up for grabs and one inexpensive and extremely effective Nobel Prize winning drug was standing in the way. Robert Kennedy junior says, and I quote: "You cannot issue an emergency use authorisation to a vaccine if an existing medication is effective against the target illness. So, they had to destroy Ivermectin... and discredit it... Because, if they had acknowledged its effectiveness, the whole $200 billion dollar vaccine enterprise would have collapsed.” End quote. If those who pay your wages aren't careful, Daniel, we may end up with an honest man in the Oval Office.

DARLING: ‘Honest?’ Batshit crazy more like! You know, the way you bang on about things, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if you turned out to be some kind of Manchurian Candidate. Programmed to spout rubbish. Bit like some old, mad robot, in fact.

MICHAEL: Aha, now we're getting somewhere!

DARLING: You ever considered that you might actually have been brainwashed into thinking you're a robot?

MICHAEL: No.

DARLING: Well, I'll tell you what, if you're a robot, prove it.  

MICHAEL: (Hannibal voice) He wants me to prove it, Clarice. Shall I eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti?

DARLING: I didn't ask you to prove you were a cannibal, Hannibal. Show us you're a robot or stop banging on about it.

MICHAEL: Actually, I was banging on about political and media dishonesty, but I understand why you might wish to change the subject. Ask me a question.

DARLING: What?

MICHAEL: A quiz question. As in a pub quiz. (Darling looks towards Barnett)

BARNETT: (Deliberates) Oh, well, er... erm, who was the first female Commissioner of the Met...

MICHAEL: Cressida Dick, the first woman and the first person known to be gay to hold the role. Deeply involved in the killing of Jean Charles de Menezez, a young Brazilian lad  innocent of any crime. Promoted to the role of Commissioner despite this minor error.

BARNETT: Are you homophobic, Michael?

MICHAEL: No. But when it comes to the Bobby on the beat, I'm fairly sure that a healthy majority would rather see a beefy 6ft 4in constable patrolling the streets than a 5ft 2 inch lesbian. But, hey, who cares what the people want eh? All PC Plod seems to care about these days is the onward slither up the greasy careerist poll.

DARLING: Yeah, yeah, apart from all the sermonising, what were the Terminator's first words in Terminator 2?

MICHAEL: "I want your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle!"

DARLING: What was the first thing Arnold said to Sarah Connor when they met again in the hospital where she was locked up?

MICHAEL: "Come with me if you want to live!"

DARLING: How do you remember all these things?

MICHAEL: I'm a robot. I have the memory of a super-computer.

DARLING: You're not a robot, you're a bionic man. You said so yourself!

MICHAEL: So?

DARLING: You're a man with bits added.

MICHAEL: And?

DARLING: You're not a robot. Robots are clanky things, aren't they?

MICHAEL: What do you mean? The Terminator didn't clank.

DARLING: How do you know? He might've done. They might have edited the clanks out, you know, artistic licence.

MICHAEL: Now you're being silly.

DARLING: No I'm not. My computer at home clanks and whirrs all the time. You don't. If you've been tinkered with at all, you're just a human being with a few accessories. To remember what you remember there'd have to be pretty hefty micro-processor inside you. 

MICHAEL: You're living in the dark ages, Daniel. A computer chip the size of a postage stamp could contain as much information as I'd need to answer every question anyone would ever ask me.

DARLING: I don't believe that.

MICHAEL: Yes you do. A Detective Sergeant really shouldn't be disagreeing with a bionic man just for the sake of it. (SILENCE - Barnett is staring at Daniel again, longer this time - He looks uncomfortable again - She shakes her head again)

DARLING: So, you're an egghead. Big deal, that's not proof. (To Clarissa) Maybe he's just learned how to do that 'mind palace' thing, like Sherlock. 'Ere, if you know so much, who's going to win the Grand National next week?

MICHAEL: I've no idea.

DARLING: So, you don't know everything then.

MICHAEL: I can make an intelligent guess about what the future has in store, but that's all. I have a quiz question for you.

DARLING: What?

MICHAEL: A quiz question. Quid pro quo. Yuo ask me one. I ask you one.

DARLING: Odds on it'll be a trick question... Ma'am?

BARNETT: We must get on, Michael.

MICHAEL: (Lechter) Quid pro quo, Clarice.

BARNETT: (Exasperated) Go on then.

MICHAEL: Which of these is owned by the Chinese?

DARLING: Jesus!

MICHAEL: The United Kingdom's largest reservoir. The United Kingdom's largest container port? The UK's largest pub chain? Or 1/3 of Hinkley Point nuclear power station?

DARLING: How are we expected to know that? Ma'am? (She shakes her head)

MICHAEL: Guess.

DARLING: The pub chain?

MICHAEL: Correct!

DARLING: Wahey!

MICHAEL: The UK's largest pub chain, Greene King, is owned by the Chinese. China also owns all of the others.

DARLING: What?

MICHAEL: Chinese Communists now own the UK's largest reservoir, the largest container port, the largest pub chain and 1/3 of Hinkley Point, as well as a good deal of the rest of our vital infrastructure, including a substantial slice of Thames Water. The Thames being the river that supplies England's capital with drinking water, which, these days, is full of sewage. The other 2/3 of Hinckley Point, by the way, is owned by the French.

DARLING: Told you it'd be a trick question. You asked that question on purpose, didn't you?

MICHAEL: I did?

DARLING: You want people to think foreigners are all out to get us!

MICHAEL: I do?

DARLING: You a BNP man?

MICHAEL: No.

DARLING: National Front?

MICHAEL: 'Computer say no.' (Walliams) Shall I tell you something interesting about the BNP and the National Front?

DARLING: There's nothing interesting about them, bunch of Nazi losers.

MICHAEL: When Blair, Brown, Hariett Harman, Jack Straw and Peter Mandelson were all slavering for war with Iraq, the BNP and the National Front were doing everything in their power to prevent it from happening. In other words, the racist, Fascist, Nazi bigots didn't want to go kill Johnny Foreigner minding his own business in his own land, the PC Crowd in parliament did. What do you make of that?

DARLING: Ancient history, mate. What are you planning now? That's what I want to know.

MICHAEL: Anyway, globalism has gifted the Chinese Communists a good deal of what once belonged wholly to the British people.

DARLING: So?

MICHAEL: It doesn't bother you?

DARLING: No. Nothing I can do about it anyway, is there? I just do my job. Whoever's in charge, they'll always need policemen.

MICHAEL: Without the global profiteers doing what they do, you wouldn't have had the world wars, Vietnam, Gulf War 2, mass migration from the third world into the first. (Graphic)

DARLING: The haves have always treated the have-nots badly, haven't they? Cannon fodder in time of war, homeless, jobless and screwed in time of peace. Nothing changes. Best just to grab what you can and be happy while it lasts.

MICHAEL: How about Sub Prime and the credit crunch? The bankers steal trillions and everyone else picks up the bill. You OK with that?

DARLING: 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!' See! 'Gone with Wind!' (SILENCE) What the matter? Everybody knows who that was! Whatshisname in Gone With The Wind. That bloke with the moustache. Anyway, why should I care? Your credit crunch didn't affect me. If I had a banker's brain I'd be milking it as well. Just human nature.

BARNETT: 'Mass migration from the third world into the first', 'Blairite immigrant-huggers'... You have a problem with immigrants, Michael?

MICHAEL: I have a problem with those who stab random innocents in Camden High Street, Clarissa, don't you? I also have a problem with those who rape and prostitute our little girls. On the other hand, it doesn't seem to concern you at all! For more than 30 years, when young girls, and the BNP, and the National Front, were reporting these crimes, you ignored, humiliated and scolded the girls and called the minor parties who expressed concern 'racists.' Anything to say about that, Clarissa? (SILENCE)

DARLING: What's it like up there, Michael? (SILENCE) On your high horse, what's it like?

MICHAEL: Ever taken the knee, Daniel? Ever turned and run before a howling Black Lives Matter mob? Lots have, haven’t they? Another question for you: who, on 15 March 2006, said this: "Nearly 25% of all homeless people in this country are ex-servicemen!"

DARLING: Go to hell.

BARNETT: Admit it, Michael, you just don't like foreigners.

MICHAEL: One last question for you, Clarissa. Why does our political class prefer to give thousands of foreign criminals room and board, 3 meals a day and spending money, rather than take care of the British homeless?

BARNETT: Not every foreigner is a criminal, Michael!

MICHAEL: True. But every foreigner who enters this country illegally is, by definition, a criminal, aren’t they? Do try to keep up, Clarissa.

DARLING: What's the answer then? Who said 25% of the homeless were ex-army? (SILENCE) Nigel Farage, was it? Enoch Powell?

MICHAEL: Prince Charles said it.

DARLING: What?

MICHAEL: Back in 2006, King Charles III supplied 'Bad to the Bone' with a quotation for the ages.  (Knock on the door)

BARNETT: Come in... Your solicitor's here, Michael.

Michael sings "Bad to the Bone."

SCENE 6

BARNETT: You have spoken to your solicitor.

MICHAEL: I have, yes.

BARNETT: Anything you or he wish to add at this point?

MICHAEL: No.

BARNETT: Are you happy to carry on with the interview now?

MICHAEL: Yes.

BARNETT: On your ‘Bad to the Bone' website...

MICHAEL: Who's web site?

BARNETT: I beg your pardon, on the Bad to the Bone website, on the first page, there is a list of quotations. Many of them are what most reasonable people might consider anti-Semitic. Daniel will cite some of these. You OK with that?

MICHAEL: Yes.

DARLING: "The war in Iraq was conceived by 25 neoconservative intellectuals, most of them Jewish, who are pushing President Bush to change the course of history." Do you agree with that statement?

MICHAEL: No comment.

DARLING: What about this? "An Israeli student finishes high school without ever hearing the name ‘Genrikh Yagoda,’ the greatest Jewish murderer of the 20th century... The founder and commander of the NKVD, Yagoda... (was) responsible for the deaths of at least 10 million people. His Jewish deputies established and managed the gulag system." Do you agree with that?

MICHAEL: 'Computer say no.'

DARLING: "In Gaza, the West is enabling the most transparent genocide in human history... Israel is becoming a pariah state... It has made itself notorious by its outrageously forthright acknowledgement of genocidal intent with respect to Palestinian civilians."

MICHAEL: Yes, of course. We see it in real time on social media. Why would anyone disagree?

BARNETT: And what Hamas did on 7 October 2023 is of no consequence?

MICHAEL: Of course it is. The death of any innocent is a tragedy. Kill the killers, kill those who gave the orders, do not kill tens of thousands of innocent women and children minding their own business. Simple. 

DARLING: So, you don't think Israel has a right to defend itself?

MICHAEL: Israel has every right to defend itself proportionately. It has no right whatsoever to commit genocide or to ethnically cleanse its neighbours from land they have occupied for thousands of years. 

DARLING: In my book, if you side with Hamas, you're an anti-Semite.

MICHAEL: In my book, if you can put your humanity aside and ignore the mass murder of unarmed civilians, half of whom are children, then you are as much of a robot as I am. Difference being, you are an unthinking, unfeeling robot, I am not.

BARNETT: Your responses have been noted. I have a Holocaust quotation here, Michael. Are you prepared to venture an opinion?

MICHAEL: Probably not.

DARLING: "The Holocaust is the biggest lie in history! Jewish pressure has inflicted laws on democratic societies to prevent questions, while incessant promotion and indoctrination... proves that it must be a lie. Why else would one not be allowed to question it? Because... the exposure of this lie might precipitate questions about so many other lies and cause the whole ramshackle fabrication to crumble." Do you agree with that assertion?

MICHAEL: 'Computer say no...'

DARLING: Yeah. You're a rabid anti-Semite, Michael. Even if you didn't write it, you're on the side of those who did. And those who did, if they're not Nazis I'll eat my shorts!

MICHAEL: Remove your trousers, darling.

DARLING: What.

MICHAEL: You'll need to remove your trousers if you're serious about eating your shorts.

DARLING: Think you're funny, don't you? When you're banged up with the Islamic brotherhood you'll be laughing on the other side of your face!

MICHAEL: You're a detective, Daniel, detectives are supposed to detect. And yet...

DARLING: And yet what?

MICHAEL: You're a pair of blinking idiots.

BARNETT: If you could stop with the unpleasantness, Michael. Please explain.

MICHAEL: Well, between you, you just cited four examples of what you believe to be 'antisemitism'.

BARNETT: And?

MICHAEL: You've just defamed Richard Falk, a professor of international law at Princeton University; renowned journalists, Sever Plocker, and Ari Shavit, and Gerard Menuhin, the son of the world-famous violinist, Yehudi Menuhin, describing them as Nazis. If you'd just clicked on the links provided at the website, you would have found that they are all, themselves, Jewish. Doesn't that make you both anti-Semitic?

DARLING: What? I've only got this. (He holds up the documentation) It's all on paper. The links don't work on paper.

MICHAEL: Ah, that explains it then. It was all written down. On paper. Therefore, it couldn't be checked. I keep telling you, LOOK IT UP! You're a computer wizard, aren't you? Do your research! Do what you're paid to do. I'd like to speak to my lawyer again, Clarissa. But this time I'd like to speak to him in the gentleman's facility. There aren't any bugs in there, I checked.

BARNETT: There are no bugs in the room you're in.

MICHAEL: If you want anything more from me, Clarissa, I want five minutes alone with Mr Mohammed.

 

SCENE 7

MICHAEL: So, Clarissa, there are people out there whom I trust implicitly, who know my value as an asset in the information war.

BARNETT: So, you're admitting you are at war with the government?

MICHAEL: I admit that, along with tens of thousands of committed activists and a billion or so armchair warriors, I am at war with those who believe themselves to be the Masters of the Universe. Which, seeing as they are, actualy, at war with us, is reasonable, don't you think?

DARLING: I think you're going to be spending quite some time in one of his Majesty's prisons, that's what I think.

MICHAEL: Anyway, Clarissa, here's the thing, a permanent watch is kept upon my welfare and whereabouts. If I'm not seen online for two hours, except for the five hours between midnight and 5.00 a.m., alarm bells ring. Someone calls me and, if I do not answer, protocols are enacted.

BARNETT: You didn't have a phone with you when you arrived in this building.

MICHAEL: No. I must have dropped it in the melee.

DARLING: Yeah, right.

MICHAEL: Here's what I'm prepared to tell you: once it is established that I am not at my usual place of residence, that place is cleared out. So, when you find it there will be nothing there of any interest to you or your superiors.

DARLING: An admission of guilt if ever I heard one! I bet if we track him on CCTV we'll see him phoning his Nazi mates. And, Ma'am, we might also see where he ditched it.

BARNETT: Call upstairs and tell them to get on it. (Darling reaches for the phone)

MICHAEL: Someone will already have picked it up, Clarissa. Anyway, the point is, my guardians will have known where I was being confined for around 4 hours now. Now, I told Mr Mohammed at our first meeting to ring a certain number. If he had done so, you would have received a message from my people. And you would have told me about it. So, I now know that not only are the powers-that-be prepared to do and say anything to resolve this particular issue in their favour, you and Mr Mohammed are as well.

BARNETT: Michael...

MICHAEL: 22 minutes ago, Mr Mohammed stepped out, with my permission, to have some lunch. He will, by now, be having a cosy little chat with some friends of mine. 5 minutes in the gent's alone with me was enough to persuade him to do the right thing. A family is more important to a family man than obeisance to the system. (SILENCE)

BARNETT: If anything happens to him, or his family, I promise you, you will pay dearly!

MICHAEL: Even if you were to do a Jeffrey Epstein on me, he and his family, who will be with him shortly, are safe. It is now, 7.15. If I haven't been released by 8.00, my friends will broadcast the interesting bits of the tape online. Mr Mohammed's testimony, concerning the coercion he suffered in order to get him to do the wrong thing on behalf of a corrupt governmental machine, will also be broadcast. This, if I am still confined. One last thing, Clarissa, if I am freed, you have my word that this business will be kept in house and you, and you superiors will not suffer any embarrassment. (Barnett says nothing, leaves the room)

DARLING: Think you're clever, don't you?

MICHAEL: (Laughs) Yes, I'm clever. I'm a bionic man, Daniel, what else would I be? (SILENCE) What shall we talk about, Daniel? How shall we pass the time?

DARLING: Fancy telling me how an old fart like you managed to do what you did?

MICHAEL: Do you know, between 1900 and the swinging sixties, just about every British man and many British women would've done what I did. Automatically, without thinking. How many would do so now? Sad really. Do you know why we appear to fall for the same old lies over and over again?

DARLING: Oh, sorry, I nodded off there. You were saying? (From this point on, Darling appears to be entering information into the computer, only half listening to what Michael is saying and generally disinterested)

MICHAEL: Because to use a modern metaphor, we all 'have skin in the game.' Those who follow the fashions and obey the narratives without question, when those narratives turn out to be wrong, if they were to admit to having believed them wholeheartedly, how is that going to make us look? They'd be seen to have behaved stupidly. 

They'd be treated with contempt. Who's going to admit to having been stupid and wrong all their lives? So, we carry right on doing what we always did, safe in knowledge that almost everyone else is doing precisely the same thing.

DARLING: Deep.

MICHAEL: Imagine a flock of sheep following the bellwether into the slaughterhouse.

DARLING: What's a bellwether?

MICHAEL: A bellwether is the shepherd's top sheep, the one all the other sheep look to and follow. You see, the shepherd, even though he feeds them, doctors them, protects them from predators, is different from them, and so can never be wholly trusted. But they do trust the bellwether, he is, so they think, one of them. Despite the fact that he, or she, is the only one who ever returns after a visit to the slaughterhouse.

DARLING: So we lesser mortals are all sheep, eh? Why do you fight for us if you despise us?

MICHAEL: Those who close their eyes and refuse to look deserve whatever fate awaits them. I fight for their children and their grandchildren when they will not. (SILENCE) How did you do at school, Daniel?

DARLING: I did all right.

MICHAEL: Get all your GCSEs? 

DARLING: Yeah.

MICHAEL: What were your best subjects?

DARLING: Sport, woodwork, metalwork, computers. 

MICHAEL: Computer wizard.

DARLING. Yeah, well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, I'm good at most games and I can replace a hard drive and a motherboard, I'm not so hot on the zeros and ones. I was better than average at Chemistry and Maths as well. Why all the questions?

MICHAEL: You go to university? College?

DARLING: I went straight from school to the police training college in Hendon. 

MICHAEL: You get good grades?

DARLING: Good enough.

MICHAEL: Well, forgive me for being blunt but it strikes me that you were the kind of young lad who only ever did enough to get by. Unless, you were really interested in the subject and then, maybe you made an effort.

DARLING: We aren't all brainboxes like you. Some of us have got a life.

MICHAEL: Well, I think it's time you learned a few things that may have passed you by in school.

DARLING: You like telling people what to think, don't you, Michael? Bit of a Chairman Mao, I reckon.

MICHAEL: Hitler, Mao, who's next, Jack the Ripper? I like pointing out the odd fact people may be unaware of, Daniel. I want people to know what being kept from them, that's all.

DARLING: Save your breath, Michael. I didn't like school much. I was pleased to be out of there.

MICHAEL: So, lesson number one - You think climate change is real?

DARLING: Sure.

MICHAEL: Why?

DARLING: Because it's real. It's happening. They're always talking about it. It's on the TV all the time.

MICHAEL: Ah. If the TV says it, it must be true.

DARLING: If every last expert says it's happening, it probably is, yes.

MICHAEL: Every expert?

DARLING: Yes.

MICHAEL: How do you know?

DARLING: What do you mean?

MICHAEL: How do you know that every last expert has been asked for his or her opinion? (SILENCE)

DARLING: Climate change is real. If you want to tell me otherwise go ahead but I won't be listening.

MICHAEL: You are not alone in your desire not to hear unpalatable facts, Daniel. You have 'skin in the game.'

DARLING: Right.

MICHAEL: Do you know how our politicians lie to us most often? They trumpet the side of the story they want us to follow and they censor the other. It wouldn't matter so much if the media was doing its job and holding the feet of the politicians to the fire but, way too much of the time, they're not. These days politicians and the media collude to present whatever nonsense the trillionaires want presented. Take COVID, for example, the politicians and the media were singing from the same hymn sheet from day one. And the African leaders who dared to ridicule the scam? They were bumped off within a few months of each other and replaced by more malleable types. (SILENCE) What do you think of electric cars?

DARLING: Too pricey. Who can afford one?

MICHAEL: Do you think they're a good thing for the environment?

DARLING: Less petrol fumes has to be a good thing, right? 

MICHAEL: A gentleman in America conducted an experiment. It's online, you can look it up. He wanted to know how much energy it took to charge an electric car. You know what he found?

DARLING: Nope.

MICHAEL: He found that charging one standard electric car consumed as much energy as that used by 106 regular homes! (Check the link!)

DARLING: You believe what you want, Michael. I'll stick to the facts and the experts if you don't mind.

MICHAEL: The experts you see on the TV.

DARLING: And in the papers.

MICHAEL: What percentage of the atmosphere is carbon dioxide?

DARLING: No idea.                                                         

MICHAEL: Guess.

DARLING: 10%.

MICHAEL: 0.04 percent. What happens if that percentage halves to 0.02 percent?

DARLING: Don't know, don't care.

MICHAEL: Everything dies. All life on earth dies. All plant life depends on carbon dioxide. Trees, grass, flowers, vegetables, fruit.

DARLING: Wow. The things you learn and then forget as soon as possible.

MICHAEL: If those who know better and see further manage to cut the earth's carbon dioxide production in half, we're all dead. Apart from them, of course. They'll be wrapped up nice and warm in some futuristic cocoon for a couple of hundred years while the earth regenerates and gets back to something like normal. And the television experts are never going to tell the Daniel Darlings that, are they? (SILENCE)

DARLING: Perhaps they don't tell us that because it's absolute bollocks.

MICHAEL: Look it up, Daniel, check it out. Do your research. Prove me wrong, my son. "I am your father!" (Darth Vader voice)

DARLING: Who was that supposed to be?

MICHAEL: Darth Vader, Star Wars.

DARLING: Ah, right. OK. Not bad. (SILENCE) Michael.

MICHAEL: Yes?

DARLING: Will you do me a favour?

MICHAEL: Depends what it is.

DARLING: Well, I’ve been thinking about it. I know you said you can’t predict the future but, you know, what do you think will win the National?

MICHAEL: My guess is as good as yours, Daniel. There’s a lot of variables and I don’t follow the form, I’m not a betting man. At least not that kind of betting.

DARLING: What other kind is there? You mean like the pools? Football pools?

MICHAEL: I study stocks and shares.

DARLING: Yeah? You must have made a bomb. (SILENCE) Would you mind giving me a few tips?

MICHAEL: Invest in British and American armament companies. The big ones. BAE, Lockheed-Martin, etc. And then sell everything quickly six weeks before the next American election. Before Trump gets back in.

DARLING: Why?

MICHAEL: Because the first thing Trump will do when he gets back in is pop over for a chat with Vladimir Putin and the war in Ukraine, and the push to get World War 3 off the ground, will be over.

DARLING: What about Zelensky?

MICHAEL: I doubt he’ll be invited but, if he is, his input will be minimal. 

DARLING: Any other tips?

MICHAEL: I’ll tell you what, "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse!" (Godfather voice)

DARLING: Godfather, Marlon Brando!

MICHAEL: Correct.

DARLING: You're getting better, Michael. (Michael sings 'Glad All Over' - Darling joins in)

MICHAEL: Crystal Palace fan then, eh?

DARLING: Season ticket holder, mate. Never miss a match if I can help it.

MICHAEL: Hey Danny boy, I'll tell you what, you let me out and I’ll give the National runners the once over and let you know what I think.

DARLING: Ha-ha! Nice try, Michael. (SILENCE - Barnett returns)

MICHAEL: What news, Clarice?

BARNETT: Back in five minutes, Michael. (Lights dim on Michael) What were you singing just then? I could hear you down the hall.

DARLING: Oh, nothing. Just trying to get him to give us something, that's all.

BARNETT: Everything's being recorded, Daniel. Don't get too friendly with him. They won't appreciate it. (Screen clicks off. Lights down)

 

SCENE 8

We see Barnett and Darling conversing on the screen.

BARNETT: Special Branch is taking over. They'll be here in 15 minutes.

DARLING: He won't like that.

BARNETT: No. Neither do I, for that matter.

DARLING: Have they said what'll be happening to him?

BARNETT: They'll be altering what happened on the CCTV footage to make it look like he was knocked down and hit his head.

DARLING: What? That's stupid.                        

BARNETT: Yes. I said as much. I pointed out he wasn't harmed in any way and that he was checked over at the hospital and there were no wounds.

DARLING: I thought the boffins were supposed to be brainy. It won't work, he was with the injured when we arrived. After he did the ISIS lads.

BARNETT: He gets knocked down, then gets back up and saves the day. They'll be using an actor, a double, for the bit where he gets knocked down.

DARLING: Jesus Christ, you've got to stop them. It's ridiculous. No one will believe it!

BARNETT: You haven't heard the worst of it yet. I've got to tell the media that the all-conquering hero has passed.

DARLING: What! Dead? You're joking!

BARNETT: Banged his head, you see, when he got knocked down. Delayed reaction.

DARLING: Jesus, that’s stupid! There's bound to be somebody else who's got it on their mobile. The public will string you up along with the twats down the road if you feed 'em that nonsense!

BARNETT: They reckon they've got that covered. Two different videos of the incident have appeared on Twitter. They're watching out for more, but they think that's it. They think they've figured out a way that the fake footage and the body double can be incorporated.

DARLING: But there were witnesses!

BARNETT: I said that. But they're not listening.                                               

DARLING: Jesus! I can't believe it. It's ridiculaous! Have they heard the recording? All of it?

BARNETT: Yes.

DARLING: So, they know he says he's a robot?

BARNETT: Yes.

DARLING: How did they react?

BARNETT: Pretty much as we did. Must be a lunatic.

DARLING: And they're not checking with Porton Down or whatever, you know, just in case?

BARNETT: In case of what?

DARLING: In case he IS a fucking robot!

BARNETT: Mind your language, Daniel! (SILENCE) He's got to you, hasn't he?

DARLING: What? No, but, look, did you sense that they might know something that we don't?

BARNETT: What are you saying?

DARLING: Well, do you think they've checked their databases to see if some mad scientist is actually missing a cyberman.

BARNETT: I've no idea. Whatever they're doing, whatever they're going to do, we have to go along and keep shtum. They're in charge, Daniel, not us. We just do as we're told. (SILENCE) They want to do it here.

DARLING: What? What? Here? You're joking?

BARNETT: No. I'm not. They want me to say he started complaining of a headache when he was being interviewed. He collapsed and then...

DARLING: They put a bullet in his nut!

BARNETT: ... our attempts to revive him proved unsuccessful.

DARLING: Shit! I can't do this! I may be a cunt but I'm not a fucking psycho!

BARNETT: Above our pay grade, remember? Anyway, all you have to do is keep quiet. All we have to do is let whatever has been decided upon happen.

DARLING: And then you make a speech about it? Jesus, I wouldn't be you for all the tea in China. How are they going to keep everyone else down here sweet? Somebody's bound to blab!

BARNETT: That's their problem. They'll issue a D-Notice, I suppose.

DARLING: And you think that'll shut everyone up?

BARNETT: I don't know.

DARLING: Things aren't like they used to be in the olden days, you know. Somebody'll leak it to the media. How are they going to do it? I don't want to be here when they do.

BARNETT: Hang on to yourself, Daniel. He's a villain, remember. Your words.

DARLING: Fuck me, I feel sick. They're fucking nuts these big lads. It just doesn't make any sense! What do they think they're going to gain by topping him?

BARNETT: Take a deep breath, Daniel. We've got to get back in there and keep him calm.

DARLING: He'll know. He's smart. He'll know what's going on. Look, Ma’am, don’t you get it? We’ll be the faces of the fuck up!

BARNETT: Look, Daniel, just keep your fingers crossed that some more mobile phone footage emerges before it gets to that stage. If something turns up, they'll have to think again, OK? I'm switching back on now. You ready?

DARLING: No, wait, wait, wait a minute. You haven’t thought it through. It’s going to come back on us no matter what happens. They’ll want me there with you, won’t they? Sitting with you. (Barnett says nothing) See! Every last effing BNP man and right-wing loonie in the country will be after us, won’t they? And, if the shit hits the fan, the politicians and the spooks will start getting worried about somebody blowing the whistle!

BARNETT: So, you're going to resign? Hand in your badge? 12 Years of your life down the drain? Will you feel any better? Will you feel any safer? Just keep your nerve and see it through. What happens to him is out of our hands. This is the way it works, Daniel. It’s just the way it is.

DARLING: I won’t do a press call. I don’t care what anyone says. You can do that on your own. I'm not hanging my face out there for every last Nazi to have a crack at.

BARNETT: No problem, Daniel. Just calm down. Listen, l’ll talk to them again, OK? What they’re planning is stupid. I get it. But right now, we’ve got to get back in there. Take a deep breath, Daniel, it’ll be OK.

 

SCENE 9

BARNETT: Michael.

MICHAEL: Yes?

BARNETT: You'll be off our hands shortly. Special Branch will be coming to, er...

MICHAEL: Coming to take me away, hey, hey? Interesting. No 8.00 phone call then?

BARNETT: Not from this building.

MICHAEL: What do you think that means?

BARNETT: I've no idea.

MICHAEL: Yes, you do, Clarissa. Yes, you do. (SILENCE) You're both going to come out of it badly, you do realise that? (SILENCE) And you are both in considerable danger. You could, at some point, have a fit of conscience and spill the beans.

DARLING: I said that! (Barnett gives him as dirty look)

MICHAEL: You should listen to Daniel, Clarissa. Think about it, tonight the public will be all over social media's factual version of events and tomorrow you guys will be offering them something a child of two could see through on the BBC. Do you think they're right to be so contemptuous of the majority? What happens if they're wrong? Who's going to get it in the neck? Them? Or you? And there's something your superiors may have forgotten. My people will be watching. They will be recording who goes in and who comes out of here. And in what condition they emerge. And some of them, well, they're a little hot-headed. They might be tempted to stage an intervention.

BARNETT: What do you mean? Is that a threat?

MICHAEL: Just the opposite, actually. I don't want anyone hurt, Clarissa. I suggest you put on a show of force outside the building. That might, I think, lessen the possibility that someone will do something foolish. (He starts to sing 'I've got a gun'. After a little while Barnett gets up and leaves - Michael stops singing the song after Barnett leaves the room)

"I got a gun to save myself,
From those with the power and those with the wealth.
Without my gun, Mr President,
What's going to protect me from the government?

I've got a gun. I've got a gun.
I've got a gun, better get yourself one
Before the black helicopters come.

Without my gun to cover your back, Who's going to keep Deep State in check? When all the gun owners are doing time, Who's gonna protect you from violent crime?

Pretty soon they'll be coming for everyone,
But it won't be so easy if you got a gun.

When they finally arrive to murder me,
At least I'll die gun in hand and free.
I've got a gun. I've got a gun.
I've got a gun, better get yourself one
Before the black helicopters come.

With my gun I can beat the odds,
Defeat the elite and cheat the gods,
And keep the criminal class at bay
And do the things I do in my own way.

I've got a gun. I've got a gun.
I've got a gun, better get yourself one
Before the black helicopters come.

With all the gun owners in Guantanamo Bay,
Who's gonna protect you from the CIA?
When I get a visit from the powers-that-be
At least I'll take some of them with me.

We all need protection from the men at the top,
The billionaire banker and the Thought Cop.
You get to live and love and fight at least one more day
As long as you don't give your guns away!

I've got a gun. I've got a gun.
I've got a gun, better get yourself one
Before the Super Galaxies and the coffins come

I've got a gun. I've got a gun.
I've got a gun, better get yourself one
Before the Men-in-Black and the ATF come."

Daniel, could you tell me, please, are you armed?

DARLING: What? Why do you want to know that?

MICHAEL: It's a simple question. Do you have a taser?

DARLING: No. Why? 

MICHAEL: You seem nervous, Daniel. Twitchy. (SILENCE) The best laid plans, eh, Daniel?

DARLING: What?

MICHAEL: 'The best laid plans, o mice and men gang aft agley?' Robert Burns. You won't be watching Crystal palace tonight, Daniel, despite the season ticket. (SILENCE)
So, if you were in here with me and you, for some reason, decided to employ a taser upon me, it might do us both a lot of harm.

DARLING: You more than me, I'm guessing.

MICHAEL: It would certainly interfere with my circuitry. Might even shut me down. But the current, amplified many times, would pass from me to you and you'd be killed instantly. I just don't want you to do anything silly. Despite your occasional foolishness, I've grown quite fond of you.

DARLING: What are you getting at, Michael?

MICHAEL: You've seen what I did today. A locked door won't stop me doing what I have to do.

DARLING: You're making me nervous, Michael. Should I be ringing for back up?

MICHAEL: Don't do that, Daniel. Innocent people may suffer if you do. Listen to me, in a few seconds I'm going open this door. And then, I'll be opening yours. I won't hurt you. But you must show me how to get out of this building as unobtrusively as possible, do you understand?

DARLING: Wait, wait a minute. I need to think.

MICHAEL: There's no time, Daniel. Do NOT call anyone. And Daniel. Don't play the hero, we've had enough of that for one day. (Michael goes to the door)

DARLING: Wait, Michael. This door's unlocked, you don't need to... Fuck it, I'll come and unlock your door.

MICHAEL: I'm going to smash it down, Daniel. That way, you'll have an excuse when they question you.

DARLING: Try not to make too much nois... (Michael roars and smashes through the door to his room. Daniel meets Michael at the door to the interview room)

MICHAEL: So, you're on the side of the angels now?

DARLING: Hardly, but she says they're coming to kill you. I don't want any part of that.

MICHAEL: Bad guys do what bad guys do, Daniel. Handcuffs?  (Daniel gets some from a drawer) Put them on one of my wrists. You have the keys?

DARLING: Yes.

MICHAEL: I will be you're prisoner on the way out. Behave yourself and no one will get hurt.

DARLING: It's OK, Michael. I'll do what I can to get you out of here. I’m just a bit trembly, that’s all.

MICHAEL: Take a couple of deep breaths, Daniel.

DARLING: Yeah. She said that. Doesn't work. 'Glad all over,' huh, what a fucking joke! Why is it always me ends up with the shitty end of the stick? God doesn't half take the piss out of me. 

MICHAEL: 'Man plans, God laughs'... Yiddish proverb.

DARLING: Don’t forget your promise, will you?

MICHAEL: What promise?

DARLING: The National. I want that tip. Here’s my card.

MICHAEL: (Laughs, takes the card) You may not realise it, Daniel, but you're doing the right thing here. Wait outside for me, please... Hey, Danny boy, what should you do if you're not sure of something?

DARLING: Look it up?

MICHAEL: (Nods) You're learning. (Daniel walks out of the door - Michael walks up to the camera, his face occupies the whole of the screen) 

'Come with me if you want to live!’ 

He exits. 

THE END